You Think You Know Me?... You Have NO Idea....

RAMBLINGS

Saturday, October 21

this is my last post for a while...

i won't be able to use the net at home anymore.. here's why...

1) this computer isnt mine, it belongs to my mother... i was under the impression that she would mind me using it for work and school and stuff... but i was wrong

you see... my mother is a psychotic, calculative sorry excuse for a mother...
she treats me like a tenant in my own home... sorry... her home
i'm 17, and throughout my years of life... she has given me the worse injuries, i've ever had...
from a torn lip that needed stitches, to a huge cut on my head which needed 7 stitches, to countless bruises and much blood spilt... i never forgave her for any one of those cases...
growing up... i've always been on guard against her, mainly due to her often verbal and physical abuse

fine, i admit i wasn't an angel growing up, but nothing, and nothing deserves that kind of physical abuse,

i was 11, and very into science... i read somewhere that vinegar and salt could shine coins... and clean most metals very well... so i tried it in my kitchen, and it worked!!! i didnt have a container to keep the solution in, so i kept it in the nearest bottle i could find, and i wen of to do something, genuinely forgetting about the solution...

keep in mind the solution was very colourless and looked like water...

my maid at that time, saw it and yes... tried to drink it... fortunately she didnt...
and she told my mother that i tried to poison her, which wasnt true...
she immediately grabbed this tupperware bottle from the fridge... it was the tough molded type
and she continually smashed it against my head, full force and all her strength... she repeatedly hit my head with the bottle, with murderous force... about 16 to 17 times... not stopping till the flor was red with my blood...

i was 11... and about 2 pints worth of my blood was on the floor... i basically passed out,
and when i woke up, that maid was wiping my head with a towel, which didnt do much to stop the bleeding...

my mother then called my dad who was out, and told him "i just broke yr son's head, come get him" he of course rushed home and brought me to the doctors, where they stitched me up, without any numbing medicine, so i could feel every stitch, EVERY F*CKING STITCH!!!
with every stitch i hated my mum, and by the time i left the clinic, i honestly felt in my heart, I HAD NO MUM!!!

when we moved into our new home, sorry her new home, she bought herself a nice big bed...
and she got a bed for granny too... i got stuck with our old sofa... hard and dusty, and every night i sleep on it... every morning i wake up with a back back and neck ache... many times i've told her... but she doesnt care.... you know why, coz she doesnt want to UNNECCESARYLY SPEND MONEY ON ME!!!, HER SON!!!

nevermind...

it doesnt help that her mother, my grandmother hates me for some unknown reason...

i literally feel so alone in a place i regarded my home... every night i lie awake on that stupid sofa, and ask myself why... WHY DID GOD GIVE ME SUCH A WOMAN TO BE MY MOTHER!
I HOPE SHE READS THIS... I HATE YOU I HATE YOU FOR HURTING ME I HATE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS I HATE YOU I TRULY HATE YOU, THE ONLY REASON I STAY WITH YOU, ISN'T BECAUSE I WANT TO OK, I'M ONLY HERE SO THAT MY FATHER WOULD HAVE A PEACEFUL LIFE AND I DONT WANT TO TROUBLE HIM... YOU TREAT ME LIKE DIRT, LIKE A TENANT IN YOUR HOUSE, I WISH YOU WILL READ THIS
I WANT YOU TO FEEL ALL THE PAIN I WENT THROUGH, ALL THE PAIN!!! I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, I WANT TO SEE YOU SUFFER WITH THE PAIN I WANT TO SEE YOU SUFFER!!! HOW I WISH I COULD JUST LEAVE YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE, AND LIVE MY OWN LIFE FAR AWAY FROM YOU, HOW I WISH I'LL NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY LOVE, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY RESPECT NEVER!!!!!!!!

Delivered at 12:56 a.m.;

Friday, October 20

hi everyone.... its been a long few days... alot has happened, things which outweigh blogging for the moment...

well, recently i got a phone call from Khaos,telling me that my grandma was in hospital...
as usual, she had an epilepsy attack... and as usual i thought she was going to be alright after a few days... well...

walking into NUH, i was feeling alright, all systems go, full steam ahead... until i took the elevator to the 5th floor, walking the 200+ meters to ward 57, which was at the far end of the main building... after walking the first 20 meters, i sorta felt weird... my 6th sense was acting up... it felt like bad news was waiting for me... the closer i got, the more my mind flickered...
i nearly passed out when i passed ward 55...

when i walked into the ward, and i passed the first few beds, i looked in, and i saw all these healthy old people hapily chatting with their grandchildren..., i felt a little better...

the second set of beds... i saw all these bed ridden people, all alone, no visitors, they returned my gaze, a lonely longing in their eyes... longing for some care, some concern... some attention, some human contact, other than that of the nurses, volunteers...

i was starting to feel a helluvalot worse than when i got out of the elevator... upon reaching the last set of beds, i was too freaked to look in... expecting alot worse.., luckily i saw Khaos, he was on the phone, but he pointed me in the right direction...

i walked toward a room with an open door... it was the one bed kinda ward, pretty expensive
anyways... words can't describe what ran thru my head, when i saw granma, lying on the bed...
all those tubes... heres a photo...

she's in a coma, she has a hole in her windpipe, thru the front of her neck... because, her nasal tract got infected... i just couldnt believe my eyes...

she used to be such a strong person, a little rough at times, but strong nontheless... great cook...she's a great person... i dont know how this happened, but i hope it ends soon...

my prayers are always with her... GOD bless you granma...

Delivered at 8:48 p.m.;

Wednesday, October 18

Hey...

today was ok, only that i was very sick, and i still went to school.. because i wanted to accompany fathehah... she was completely against me going to school, fearing fo my well being and all that, but i managed to convince her that i was perfectly fine...

school was ok, had my first MFDI lesson in 3 weeks, which i slept thru, haha drool all over the keyboard that was my pillow... the meds made me drowsy... fathehah suspected i wasn't well... and refused to let me outta her sight... she loves me alot huh... baby, if yr reading this... i love you much2 too...

the day was coming to a close and the thought of my warm cosy sofa in my room, was too tempting... i slept thru my cust svc lesson too... being sick sucks... honestly... i used to love cust svc lessons, used to be so alert...

DAMN THE FLU!!!

my fever went down... but my left nostril still blocked and my right still runny... (i know, its hell honestly) thats when my cust svc teacher, who is also our SGEM proect teacher pulled the four of us aside, and wanted to rehearse the script for the skit we're acting in, and that stupid big mouthed alvin tu suggested meeting tomorrow... which is a holiday for my class... WTF, luckily i was too sick to pound his little ass into pulp, you see i wanted to stay home and rest... me being sick and everything... but NO, little butoh tu wants to meet tomorrow... KNN CCB!!!

we started out this SGEM(speak good english movement) project with 6 ppl...

Shuhua
Fathehah
Myself
Alvin
Hanisah
Kai Jye

hanisah and me were supposed to compose a song.... then she backed out of the project because she got no mood.. i'm so sorry... nxt time dont do yr exams either if you got no mood...
no sense of responsibilty, honestly

that nerd dick kai jye, was so freaking into this thing until suddenly his whole family wants to get married... nice timing kai jye... you are officially the master of lame and unbelievable excuses...dumb ass

i'm a really F*cked up mood now because

1) i'm really f*cking sick... took med when i got home just now at 4 and fell asleep... woke up at 1030pm all cranky for GOD knows what reason... fathehah msged me countless times while i was out cold...

2) because i have to go for this f*cking nonsense tomorrow and

3) because i'm seriously having caffeine withdrawal symptoms

i really dont mean to be b*tching like this but i just felt like it

its amazing what i just said...must be the chlorapheramine tablets i've been popping
i'm supposed to take 15 every hour right?

Delivered at 1:42 a.m.;

Tuesday, October 17

well...

monday was a dead rush...

fathehah was waiting for me near my place, as usual because my place is between her place and sch... so i asked her to meet me at 7.. she got here at 630...

no problems with coming early... its a good thing... but i don't like ppl to wait for me, especially fathehah, (my upbringing) so i was planning on leaving at 650, but at 630 i got a call saying she was already here, even though she was gracious and thoughtful enough to ask me to meet her at 7, i couldn't so i started to rush....

i have an overdue IT project due, so i needed my data, which was in the laptop... problem was... laptop no with me... so had to folow my mum to go meet her colleague to get it... kept apologizing to fathehah... poor girl waited for me till 730... thats 1 hour folks...

i promised myself that i would start petty quarrels with fathehah like i used to anymore.. so i forced myself to calm down... rest of the day was great...

as usual... first day back to sch.... half the class was missing, and so was the teacher.. he arived about 10 mins late... all the dudes in my class with the extremo hairstyles were marked absent because yr not supposed to come into class with long hair...

i personally agree with that but hey dude, first day back at sch... cut em some slack..

then afternoon lesson was cancelled... so we all finished sch at 11... fathehah accompanied me back to my place and waited for me to put my bag down... very heavy with the laptop and everything, then she wanted to go home early, so i sent her to e bus stop,waited with her until e bus came..

reached home and fell damn sick... in fact it took me about half an hour to type this out, because i feel so weak, plus i'm lying down... having fever 39.0 degrees, bad running nose... my mum always blames the haze when i get sick these days... poor indonesians getting framed

watching fulham v.s chelsea match on ESPN first 10 mins of the game 0-0...

anyways... gonna go eat something.. getting hngry, plus the fever is making me burn up. no fan sumore.... "sigh"

thanks for coming

Cheers

Delivered at 3:08 a.m.;

Saturday, October 14

Check Out this killer Dean Dimebag Darrell Rusted RazorBack guitar!

if only i had the cash for it...

USD$5549....

thats about....

ok... erm... thats alot of money... lol i think i'll get a cheaper look alike

like these... haha

Delivered at 11:59 p.m.;

I'm in love this guitar!!!

Dean RazorBack V, love it! just wanna change the electronics a little then it'd be great!!!

love it!... designed by the Late Dimebag Darrel... RIP

Delivered at 8:59 p.m.;

hi everyone...

ever had someone important in your life walk out on you... because you've done something to them which they can't forgive?

GOD created all humans to be imperfect... no matter what religion yr from...

we all make mistakes don't we? big or small?

Lemme take a poll...

If you did something bad... i mean really bad.... to your best friend, what would you do?
would you apologise? 99 percent of you guys reading would agree right?

ok now let me put it this way

if yr best friend did something bad to you... i mean really bad... to you, what would you do..
best friends should forgive and forget, move on in life right? best friends would love each other no matter what right?

"Asking to be forgiven doesn't make anyone smaller or weaker, or lower than anyone...
Those who forgive, have a big heart - Shah Rukh Khan"

"To err is HUMAN, but to forgive, DIVINE..."

i don't expect to be forgiven.......

i just want to be forgiven...

i tresure my friendships more than than kinship.... blood isn't thicker than beer...
i love all my friends all of them... even those that create problems all the time

if i were her, i would have hugged her, forgiven her, told her everything was ok, and forgotten the misdeed...

but thats me... i guess she doesn't share my insight...

if yr reading this... i'm sorry i hurt you girl, i really am... want you to know that i love ya k?

Delivered at 2:26 a.m.;

Thursday, October 12

hey everyone.... its good to be back on the net.... feels great

well... since the last i blogged, alot of things have changed, namely family and career wise

well lets start from the beginning...

on the 30th of april 2006 i applied for a job at the Night Safari, at the ben and jerry's outlet there, life was great, pay was ok... made alot of new friends learn alot of new things... and the ice cream... just short o heaven haha

anyways, on the 3rd of september, a problem rose, which caused me to make certain choices, some of these choices cost me my job... and on the 4th, i left B&J reluctantly... leaving friends and loved ones behind

anyways, i'm enjoying my life apending more time with my fiancee Fathehah... life is gd, and our relationship is gaining strength by the day...

family wise, haha, my twin lil brothers were born sometime in june...
Rifai Aiman was born at 0008hrs and Ryan Aiman was born at 0018hrs
both exremely cute, and i feel proud to be the oldest son yet again,
its a great feeling when ryan wrapped his fingers round my fingers, here i was, looking down at this little boy...

i just pray i'm priviledged to watch both of them grow up into sensible boys, which i didn't get the chance to for Shaqir and Sherene, my other two younger siblings... if only situations weren't such... if i knew my life would turn out this way, i would have changed alot of things in my past,
choices i made, actions i took.... and the things i didn't do, the people i didn't support, and the people i wrongly supported...

well, whats done is done and its no use for me to cry over spilt milk, (or risk electrocuting myself by cryng over this keyboard for that matter)...

my relationships with friends are worsening, people i kept so close to my heart, people i truly felt care for, now seem to deny my existence.. it saddens me deeply, beyond belief how someone, who i cared so much for, protected and nutured, had turned on me in my time of need... my god sister, whom i regarded my own flesh and blood, who promised to be there for me when i needed her, wasn't there when i recently broke down...

my own mother, now seems so calculative, she doesn't care about my well being anymore, she only seems to care how much money she spends on me... great example... she sleeps on a nice comfy bed... and so does granny... but me? i sleep on our old sofa, which she put in my room... many a time i have complained about back aches caused by the uncomfortable stiffness... but she doesn;t listen...she literally has drawn a line between mother and son, what kind of mother is she, to put aside kinship, care and affection on her own blood... i feel so alone....
i honestly feel so alone... with only Fathehah, my GODsent angel, to guide me along my path of life...

sometimes i just lie awake at night and wonder, what sin did i commit, that the world had turned on me that GOD is testing me this way... when will it end? when will it get better? am i doomed to live in sorrow all my life?

Delivered at 4:47 p.m.;